Unwanted. Undesirable. Unsure. Unsettled. Insecure. Unbalanced. 

Trying to fix a relationship after a falling out is not easy. And right now, the hurt is still fresh. 

I hate that it had the power to make me feel these things.

I want nothing more than to make things better. Feel that confidence and security again. 

I love him. 

How do you get there? Not overnight, that’s for sure. And that’s just what it is, still fresh. No more than a day technically from our reconciliation. 

Don’t let your anxiety ruin this. 

Breathe, give it time. Don’t over think things. Stop overanalysing everything. That’s what I keep telling myself. 

How do I vocalize my concerns without coming across as some “crazy girl” (oh how I loathe stereotypes). 

My emotions are valid. 

I just hate feeling these things. 

P.S., I love you. 

Dear I thought I’d drop a line. 

The weather’s cool, the folks are fine. 

I’m in bed each night by nine. 

P.S. I love you. 


Yesterday we had some rain. 

But all in all, I can’t complain. 

Was it dusty on the train?

P.S. I love you. 


Write to the Brown’s just as soon as you’re able. 

They came around to call. 

I burned a hole in the dining room table. 

And let me see, I guess that’s all. 
Nothing else for me to say. 

And so I’ll close, oh by the way, everybody’s thinking of you. 

P.S. I love you. 


I do my best to obey your wishes. 

I put a sign up I think. 

Now I got to buy a new set of dishes,

Or wash the ones that have piled up in the sink. 


Nothing else to tell you, Dear. 

Except each day feels like a year. 

Every night I’m dreaming of you. 

P.S. I love you. 

P.S. I love you. 


-Nellie McKay

Drowning. 

That’s how I feel. 

Like I cannot keep my head above the water. I can’t breath. Panicked. 

And I can’t swim. Hopeless. 

These emotions are being more and more frequent. These dark days overtaking more of my life. 

I struggle because I do not want to ask for help. Become medicated. Become her. But as these dark days stretch on, I wonder if medication will be the only hope for relief. 

It’s just a bad day, not a bad life. 

Breathe in, breathe out. And take it moment by moment. 

That’s survival. 

And that’s the thing about feelings…

sometimes they demand to be felt. 

You can try to ignore them. Hide them. Pretend they don’t exist. But your heart cannot deny the truth. 

I know what I feel. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt love. This time though, it’s different. 

There are many types of love, but never the same love twice. 

That’s what they say, right?

Never have I been this cautious about admitting my feelings though. 

Scared? I’m not sure. Once I say it, it’s out there. It’s real. And once it’s real… 

I’m vulnerable. 

After that, I cannot protect my heart. I lose that power. 

Love is at the root of everything that matters in life. 

I just don’t know if I’m ready to fully open myself up to this type of love again. Not yet. 

Dark days, Pinterest and reminders of what matters. 

Dark days. That’s what I call them. 

The days when my depression or anxiety sneak up on me. The days where I just cannot control the sadness. 

Those days, they are always unexpected. Unexplainable feelings that take over. Joys of mental illness, am I right?

Quotes have always helped me. Quotes and music. They help me describe the feelings. Define them. Work through them. 

It’s amazing how someone else’s words can make so much sense to you, and be so applicable to your own life. 

My best friend gets that. And oh, Pinterest is just the place to find those perfect quotes. Sometimes my best friend and I go weeks without seeing each other. With our work schedules being opposite (she works nights, I work days) it gets tough to make plans work without one of us being completely deprived of sleep. But something that keeps us connected between each visit is those quotes on Pinterest. 

Simple reminders we are thinking of each other. Gentle pats on the back when one of us is struggling with something. A beautiful reminder of what’s important. And of the support we share. 

Dark days are hard. But those simple reminders are sometimes all I need to see a little light. 

Side swiped by regret tonight. But, how could I have known?

You never really know someone. Do you? Never fully. You can’t. You never really know if a darkness exists within them. Or know what they are capable of.

Or..How their anger can consume them.  Until it’s too late. 

I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to be afraid. And I refuse to ever put myself in a position where you can lay your hands on me again. 

Lots of tears and self evaluation tonight.  

blackness. 

Why do I do this to myself? Let myself drink to a point of blackness. A point where no feeling is left unspoken. A point of no turning back. 

I thought I had moved passed such behaviour. Moved on with that phase. 

And then Saturday happened. Blackness. Word vomit (and sorry if it’s TMI, but a bit of the other kind of vomit too. Oops). 

Have the words I’ve said done too much damage?

I only know what he has told me. Details, I don’t want to know. But oh, I do know myself. I know what the blackout version of me is capable of. 

Embarrassment. That is undeniable. 

The L word. Why, oh why, did I have to say it? Only a few months. That’s all it has been with him. 

Sober, no I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I’m there. I’m scared to be there. 

Scared to put myself in such a vulnerable state again. 

What if I’ve scared him? I know I caught him off guard. What a side swipe that must have been, for sharing my feelings is rare. 

I just don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to ruin a chance to actually get to that place. Where the L word is real. And we are both ready, and both feel that way. 

Why do I have to feel so much? 

Sigh.