Why do I do this to myself? Let myself drink to a point of blackness. A point where no feeling is left unspoken. A point of no turning back.
I thought I had moved passed such behaviour. Moved on with that phase.
And then Saturday happened. Blackness. Word vomit (and sorry if it’s TMI, but a bit of the other kind of vomit too. Oops).
Have the words I’ve said done too much damage?
I only know what he has told me. Details, I don’t want to know. But oh, I do know myself. I know what the blackout version of me is capable of.
Embarrassment. That is undeniable.
The L word. Why, oh why, did I have to say it? Only a few months. That’s all it has been with him.
Sober, no I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I’m there. I’m scared to be there.
Scared to put myself in such a vulnerable state again.
What if I’ve scared him? I know I caught him off guard. What a side swipe that must have been, for sharing my feelings is rare.
I just don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to ruin a chance to actually get to that place. Where the L word is real. And we are both ready, and both feel that way.
Why do I have to feel so much?