Why do I do this to myself? Let myself drink to a point of blackness. A point where no feeling is left unspoken. A point of no turning back. 

I thought I had moved passed such behaviour. Moved on with that phase. 

And then Saturday happened. Blackness. Word vomit (and sorry if it’s TMI, but a bit of the other kind of vomit too. Oops). 

Have the words I’ve said done too much damage?

I only know what he has told me. Details, I don’t want to know. But oh, I do know myself. I know what the blackout version of me is capable of. 

Embarrassment. That is undeniable. 

The L word. Why, oh why, did I have to say it? Only a few months. That’s all it has been with him. 

Sober, no I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I’m there. I’m scared to be there. 

Scared to put myself in such a vulnerable state again. 

What if I’ve scared him? I know I caught him off guard. What a side swipe that must have been, for sharing my feelings is rare. 

I just don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to ruin a chance to actually get to that place. Where the L word is real. And we are both ready, and both feel that way. 

Why do I have to feel so much? 


1 thought on “blackness. 

  1. It’s okay! I’m sure it will all work out. Having so many feelings can be annoying sometimes, but overall I think it’s a good thing. Don’t stress too hard about this! Most likely he has a lot of feelings too! Maybe also L feelings.

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